The Batemans Want You To Keep It In Your Pants, Please

80s,Weird 17 August 2010 | Comments Off

OK – I ran across the image on the Flashback microblog and obviously it raised a lot of questions.  The first, obviously, was WTF?  The second was, is this real? If yes, how did they get roped into this? Was this some sort of court-mandated public service?  I know Justine dated Leif Garrett in the 80s, but that’s not technically a crime, is it?

I had to have more intel on this.  I was going to post the picture with a request for anyone who had a copy to please get in touch with me.  Before I did that, I decided to do a cursory search on YouTube, and whaddayaknow, I hit paydirt.

There are 5 clips from this mid-80s sex-ed PSA on YouTube.  They are as terrible as you might imagine.  And yes, Ted Danson was really involved, and judging from his contribution, also extremely high during the taping.

Let’s enjoy it together shall we?

Extremely dated synth pop with heavily reverbed drums? Check.  Ethereal disembodied voice singing what was probably the original title of this video?¹ Check.  Justine seated on the floor with her face a few inches from her brother’s crotch? Check.   Also, was it just me, or did the high-schoolers look older than the cast of thirtysomething?  Other highlights:

*Ted Danson sitting sideways in his chair and laughing for no apparent reason

*John, who says love is “fun sex” with arching eyebrows (clearly a virgin, you know he popped a boner just saying that on camera)

*Debbie, who is at a loss for words while wearing a massive pearl necklace

OK, I am not learning very much, other than the limitations of 80s-era graphics capabilities.  On to the next clip:

So this installment is about lines used to creep on girls (note to self: it’s not a good sign when you start to use the parlance of the kids on Jersey Shore.)  I never knew that “you have such beautiful eyes” had such sinister implications.  Apparently if you hear that, you should immediately start blowing your rape whistle.  Thanks Justine!

In this section we also meet an unnamed lecturer who makes the first sensible statement we’ve heard in this train wreck: “What’s the connection between sex and love? There is none.” However, it’s presented without context or clarification, since we have to get back to Ted and Justine’s finger-wagging.  Sorry, that sounded much dirtier than I intended.  Anyway, the next time we see the professor/doctor guy, he’s comparing a woman’s vagina to a microwave.  Okee-dokee.  Moving on…….

News flash: girls are horny too!  I guess that’s not surprising these days with all the sexting and booty-calling and cornholing going on, but in 1985 or whenever this was made, it was probably sort of refreshing to hear this.  Also, the old guy says “boobs” and “ass.”

Alright, that was just pointless.  I kept waiting for someone to show up in one of those “Frankie Say Relax” shirts.  Now there’s your sex advice kids!  Alright, so how much shit do you think the guy in the “ITB” (In the Back) shirt have to take from his friends?  And since when did “LOV” spell love? Since never, that’s when.

In this last installment, we examine what constitutes a mature relationship.  Apparently it has something to do with wanting to help do the dishes.  Jason gets philosophical for a moment before offering a tepid defense of sport fucking.  Justine gives us her simple test for knowing when you have a mature relationship: if she feels good and has a lot of energy, it’s a mature relationship; if she feels tired and depressed, it’s not.  Hmm.  I think I know what she is trying to say, but it could be stated much better than it is here.  Basically the test is whether the relationship is (on the whole) a positive or negative experience. Ted is MIA for these last two clips (he’s probably out scoring more weed, or starring in How Can I Tell If I’m Really Stoned?)

In summary, did we learn anything of value?  Not really.  A potentially illuminating comment would crop up from time to time, but would be immediately negated by the disjointed editing style and clumsy attempts to entertain.  Honestly though, video or not, I don’t think any of these kids had any trouble remaining celibate. Big thanks to YouTube user wexlerglazer for posting these – go follow his channel here or check out his blog here.

¹How does it feel when you’re really in love?

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